As I close my eyes I am reminded of all the lies you told me throughout time. All of the I’m sorry’s and it won’t happen again. All of the I’m going out with my friends. All of the excuses I had to make as to why my phone was broken and why I can’t fix my face. Why I had to hesitate every time my family wanted to make plans. You are the reason why I will never be able to give myself whole heartily to another man. You are the reason why I cry out in my sleep. You are the reason for all the secrets that I keep. The memories trace back to darker times. Hospital trips and the throwing of your fists and wondering if tonight’s going to be my last. Wondering how my son would grow up and if he’d be a decent man. I remember trying to escape but not having a plan.
Questioning why I stick around because how could you hurt your unborn baby and than try to just make up for the pain with a hug. I can’t respect that shit. You said you loved me but yet you treated me like shit. And no it wasn’t all always this bad but these are the memories that steal my thoughts in the middle of the night. These are the things that wake me up out of my sleep with a fright. These are the reasons why I can’t play fight with my future husband and kids. I mean there’s nothing I can do about it now, it is what it is. You were the reason for the tears I let escape while I sleep. You were the reason I thought I could be beat. You were the reason I thought I would never be good enough. You are the reason why I am so tough.
Misery loves company I know this much is true. But I am glad to say I’m finally over loving you. You can no longer control my life. You can longer cause me pain. I found someone who wants to do all of the things you never did. I found someone who not only loves me but he loves your kid.I found someone who wants to take care of all of us and be a family. I found someone who wants to love me for me.
No matter how broken I may seem at times and no matter if he asks what’s wrong with me and I lie. No matter how my face may look. Especially because I try to have my nose in a book. I found someone who wants to love me the way you said I would never deserve. I found someone who will sit back and observe. He will just stare at me and watch as his eyes well up with joy. He doesn’t view me as an object or toy. He stares at me with admiration and joy. With gratitude and appreciation. I can honestly say he’s my best friend. And I’m glad you made me into who I am today because he just came and cleared most of the pain out of the way. He came into my life to show me everything you said wasn’t true. He’s here to remind me that everyone isn’t you.
I wish he stayed up all throughout the night, tossing turning fighting sleep.
I wish he lost himself within my eyes like I do when ours meet.
I wish I could just let him go.
To his girlfriend is where he sleeps.
But every night I get his soul,
And his kids are in my sheets.
So to this man I wish was mine and to the pillow I always face to weep.
This is the last cry you will hear from me for this pain is way to deep.
May your slumber be peaceful
And your mind always be at ease.
Even though you chose her
I know your heart resides with me.
I am infatuated with your smile.
I long to see you cry.
I am secretly falling for you as I am breaking down inside.
I want to be your happiness
To never make you mad.
To always be your escape and relieve you of all the pain.
I'm sorry I'm always sad.
How could I really love you if I don't truly love me.
That's the bullshit I'm tired of hearing.
I have to get it together don't you see I can barely keep my composure around you.
It's getting hard to breathe.
I wonder how easy is it for you to fall asleep because my company isn't needed, it's something you want to keep.
Got me tossing and turning yearning to be wrapped up in your sheets.
I'm wondering if your'e thinking about me.
I know I should keep my distance and I shouldn't let myself fall for you.
I mean if you are the one whom god intended to make me happy than who am I to ruin his divine plan.
For all I know shit won't pan out and you will just become another man.
I hope that isn't the case because I can't lie, I enjoy waking up and seeing your face.
I like the fact that this is different and something I haven't experienced before.
I like the fact that you don't waste my time.
I am looking forward to seeing where this new beginning takes me.
At least this time around I am genuinely happy.
He throws his fists and gets pissed as he misses my face. Hits the wall but there is no more space. I am trapped and as he lunges towards me he grabs me by the throat. I can't help but wonder if this will be my last breath. He picks me up about five inches off the ground. It's quiet mostly because I can not make a sound.
I'm losing consciousness. It's becoming very clear that I may not make it out of here. Just as I think I am about to die he drops me to the ground. I am left gasping for air. He yanks me by my hair and says "You try to leave again bitch I will leave you dead right here."
He slams my head against the wall and than digs his fist into my cheek.
My ears are ringing. I can't hear or see. My mouth is bleeding and I just keep thinking, how could he do this to me?
Knowing I am carrying his child, how could he ever put his hands on me? I get up and I stumble but he pushes me back down. He says "Who the fuck told you to get up off of the ground, sit the fuck back down!"
He goes upstairs and I sit there rubbing my head.
Wishing he would have killed me because I am almost positive I am better off dead. I find the strength to get up and head to the bathroom to wash off the blood. I am hesitant about going to bed.
He goes straight for my phone and starts to go through it. Looking for something that isn't there he just gets even angrier. He calls me a whore, a liar and an ungrateful bitch.
Next week is like a repeat. I'm laying in bed and we are arguing about something I said.
Next thing I know there is a fist in my face and my hand is covered in blood.
I told him I'm leaving because this isn't love. But I fucked up, I shouldn't have said that out loud. The next thing I hear is a crack and my leg goes numb and I fall on my face.
I'm crying and I'm thinking I just can't catch a break. I roll on my back and it's a good thing I did. I missed another hit, this one aimed at my ribs.
He's dragging me by the hair again, but this time I am trying to break free.
All I can think is that he's really going to kill me. He throws me on the bed and says, "Try me if you dare. If you speak another word it will be your last I swear."
Fast forward I am nine months pregnant and this is the worst it's ever been. Just like before he goes through and there is nothing there. Swears up and down that I am playing him. I've done nothing to this man. He's trying to converse with me but I can hardly hear because my two year old is crying in my ear.
So I open my phone to let him play a game. Honestly I will never know what set him off that day.
Now I am on my back being dragged into the room. In no position to fight back. I can't get up even if I wanted to, I'm just to big. I'm screaming "Stop you're going to hurt your kid."
He doesn't stop until I start to bleed. My mouth is busted open and I can hardly breathe. He banged my head against the wall,this time there is a slight dent in it.
He hit my stomach and I will never know if it was an accident.
My mouth is swollen and I have bruises on my face. He has taken a piece of me that can never be replaced.
He tried to break me and honestly he almost succeeded. That will probably be my biggest demon. He tried to make my character change because he was in pain. You see hurt people hurt people. So this is something I am going to get over in due time. I am glad I can say that lifestyle is no longer mine.
Everyone thinks they know what mental illness or depression is. Unless you yourself suffer with one of these things you have NO idea. People confuse depression for just being sad but in reality it is much more. Regular symptoms of depression include sadness, difficulty concentrating, trouble sleeping, loss of pleasure, and even thoughts of hurting oneself. It is the constant feeling like you are a burden, not just to yourself, but others as well. It's the inability to get out of bed even though you know you need to. It's not being able to look in the mirror for more than just fixing your hair. You can't stand to look at yourself because you think you are disgusting. You begin to think that everyone would be better off without you.
Postpartum depression differs from the "baby blues." When you have the baby blues you may find yourself weeping for no apparent reason at all. The baby blues normally fixes itself within time. Postpartum depression can be dangerous if you don't get it treated or speak to someone. In my opinion I think it is important to recognize that you aren't alone. This is not just what I have experienced myself dealing with this but what a handful of my friends have experienced as well.
It's looking at your kids with love and guilt. It's not being able to move even though you hear the child(ren) crying. Lack of sleep causes sleep deprivation which can lead to hallucinations. You begin to hear and see things that aren't there. You begin to think things you thought would never run through your mind. If it continues to grow it can cause you to want to harm not just your self but the baby as well. Some additional red flags can signal either depression, anxiety, or another mood disorder related to childbirth: experiencing anxiety about being left alone with the newborn, anxiety about not being a good mom.
I know you are thinking to yourself how could you possibly want to hurt the baby? That isn't normal to feel like that but with postpartum depression it is all to normal. Other people sometimes stigmatize it, and think, 'That doesn’t happen to well adjusted women, that happens to mentally ill women." Postpartum depression does not target any particular race or age. It doesn't care if you or White, Black, Asian, or whatever race you label yourself as. It is struggling with this every day while pretending to be happy. You must always have a smile on your face.
It is getting up anyway because you know the kids need to be changed and fed. It is constantly checking the clock to see how many more hours are left in the day until I can get by. You force yourself to get up anyway even though your body and mind tell you otherwise. You do it because you know the house needs to be cleaned. It's going to work and faking a smile all day because if you don't get up who will? Who's going to pay the bills? Suffering with depression isn't just feeling sad. It is feeling worthless and hopeless like you can't possibly tell anyone. I know not a single soul could understand.
Next time you are talking to someone who suffers like I do try to be a little more understanding. Understand I don't mean for every other sentence to be I'm sorry. I am not always timid and I can be weak at times. I am trying my best to get by just like everyone else. Out of fear of rejection or getting our kids taken away we don't speak on how we really feel. This is dangerous because this causes us to be alone in our thoughts for to long. We constantly feel alone and I just want to let you know you are not alone. I know when I sense a lack of compassion I don't open up to people. Instead I sometime sit and sulk in my sadness alone.
To anyone who suffers from this pain please message me when you are up at 4 am having an anxiety attack. When you feel like your world is crashing down message me and I promise I will be there. You are not alone and there is no reason why you should suffer alone.
When people ask me how I'm doing I want to tell them the truth.
That my depression is the captor I can not escape from.
That my heart longs for the attention I don't sustain.
That my ears burn waiting for you to tell me you feel the same.
I want to tell you that depression has invited anxiety over.
Again.
Yes... that is the third time this week. Thanks for noticing.
Trying to comfort me anxiety wraps me in this blanket of self hate and doubt.
Putting nothing but suicidal thoughts in my head.
Anxiety agrees that we would be better off dead but than who would be here to host your party?
I'm so tired of hosting this party.
I need to sleep but I can't.
My insomnia has started up again.
In case you weren't aware insomnia and anxiety are the best of friends.
Lack of sleep makes it hard to concentrate.
I can only focus on the fact that I can't focus.
I would like to tell you that I am a magician.
If you follow my act you will see that my greatest trick is getting out of bed.
I have almost mastered it.
Instead of ruining your day with a truth you never asked to be bombarded with in the first place I transform as a shape-shifter would.
I am the bare face of a pumpkin the night before Halloween.
Waiting to be something I am not I carve out my insides and mold my face into the person I aspire to be.
Shower in confidence and put on the essence of happiness.
I inhale slowly as I take a deep breath in.
Exhale.
Smile.
"I'm doing fine how about you?"
I was working when I was approached by a gentleman, lets call him David. Well David began to try and flirt with me by calling me beautiful. Saying I have a smile to die for. Trying to sweet talk me. He went on to say that I should let him take care of me. I questioned him, asked him why would I become dependent on you when I have my own?
He couldn't think of a rebuttal so he said, what I would assume, to be the next best thing that popped into his head.
"Don't you want a partner to help out?"
"How do you know I don't have a partner?"
He didn't know what to say so he finally asked me, "Well do you... have a boyfriend?"
I responded with the answer he wasn't expecting, no.
"But don't you want to get married?"
I thought to myself, 'Oh boy here we go.'
"No, not right now I don't."
Why does being a women automatically equate to being a wife? No this is not me being on my feminist bullshit but why does vagina equate to homemaker. ''Why should I aspire to be married right now when I have no desire to be tied down"? You could clearly see how uncomfortable he was getting. He was running out of answers. David began to ask me about my views on marriage and why I was against it.
Honestly, I didn't want to waste my time answering this, but I did.
"I am not against marriage that is my problem. My issue is I am a hopeless romantic who lives in a hook-up generation. People want to be together today for the sake of not being alone. Instead of staying to yourself and working on you, you settle to have someone by your side. By settling they become unhappy and will potentially cheat. Just to go and say ' I love you and it won't happen again' but we know it will. The cheating will probably continue for years until you are left with the ultimatum you never wanted. You are forced to break up a family, assuming you have had children, because you can't stay with your spouse anymore or you can stay and deal with the cheating because you are dependent on said spouse. So tell me why would I put myself in a predicament to be hurt by some asshole who wasn't fully for me in the first place?"
His jaw dropped down to the floor. He was not expecting such an answer from me. He grew more and more nervous. I could see the wheels trying to turn and create something with substance to say. He went on to ask me if I even wanted a boyfriend or a partner. He said and I am not kidding "You must be a lesbian or something. I wonder who hurt you so bad." I couldn't help it my tongue is sharper and faster than my brain would allow me to react.
I responded " You were to arrogant to listen to anything I have just said aren't you? Since you need to know so bad I do have a man. I do not need a title to be with my man and I am happy where I am, so thanks for the offer but I am not interested.''
David replied "How can you have a boyfriend with no title, see if you were my girl I would show you off all the time." I just looked at him and smiled. "This is why I am with my boyfriend and not you. I don't need someone with the mentality of a 12 year old. I have been with this man for almost 9 months without officially being his girlfriend. He has been through a lot of shit with me as I have experienced a lot of shit with him. We have argued. I have cried. We have laughed and smiled and he has met my kids. I do not need a title to define my loyalty to my man."
Something people no longer understand the concept of is loyalty. See my man makes me happy and he has been doing nothing but helping me achieve my goals and reach my highest level of potential. He will never say it but always shows he loves me through his actions. He is always checking to make sure I am mentally, physically and emotionally stable. If you have read any of my other work you will see it is a big jump for me. Going from an abusive relationship to a healthy one. He treats me like a princess and spoils me from time to time. He is the most aggravating jerk off. He can get under my skin like no other but I love him. That's my baby. Despite our age difference we get along better than I do with anyone my age He is out of his mind, bat shit crazy but I would do anything for him and he knows it.
I used to think that if you didn't have a title with someone that it meant your relationship wasn't real. That is what defines a relationship after all, the title. I was wrong. You don't need a title to tell you who you are with you just need each other. What's understood does not need to be explained. This is honestly the happiest I have been in a long time. By allowing myself to give in and give myself whole heartily to just this person. He is my person. If I am having a bad day he is the one I call. If I want to cry it is his arms I am running to. The best relationship I have is the one people classify as nothing. Goes to show you what loyalty, respect and good vibes bring to your life.
How do you apologize to someone who doesn't accept I am sorry as an answer?
Someone who possibly doesn't even believe in second chances.
How am I supposed to make this man believe that I love him when my actions have showed him otherwise?
I am becoming numb to the situation.
My memory isn't what it once was.
I can't remember the whole fight and that is not going to make it any better.
If you can't remember than how do you know what did or did not happen?
I am full of regret.
My eyes are two desert storms and my heart is an empty husk of what once laid there.
I can not stop my eyes from turning red.
What have I done?
I was reading an article about this couple who has been together for 45 years.
The key to a long lasting relationship, the women said, is learning how to forgive.
People are going to disappoint you and let you down but when you love someone you forgive them and move past it.
So how do I get this man that I love to forgive me?
There is nothing that I could do because I know I have probably lost him forever and it kills me.
It kills me that on the outside he looks so fine but I know inside there must be such a rage.
It is scary. I never wanted to make him feel this way. I never wanted to hurt him.
I hurt myself. I ruined a good thing and I know it was my fault.
The only thing I can do is ask for time but I'm not so sure he wants that.
I think he wants to leave.
He said he doesn't feel the same anymore.
I proved him right.
I can not blame him. I just hope that he allows me to fix it and make it right.
I have never wanted anything as bad as I want this.
I have listened to everything else this man has advised me to do.
"Stay to yourself, don't think these people are your friends, go to work, get more money, sign up for school, save money, fix your credit score, move out, get a car."
Some things are still in progress but I have turned my life around for the better and I go and fuck it all up.
So I ask how do I make the only good thing that has happened to me this year forgive me?
How do I show him that that side isn't me?
I know he doesn't read my work but just this one time I wish he would just so he can see that this shit is fucking killing me.
My words don't mean anything and I can't be mad at him for not beliveing me.
If this gets to you and you can see this just know I am sorry for everything that transpired between you and I. I am sorry I broke your trust and I acted like an asshole. I hope you can forgive me and we can move past this because I do love you and I know you love me.
I am sorry that I hurt you and I will make sure that it never happens again.
I will let my actions speak for themselves.
Inside my mind there is a sea of music that plays freely without hesitation.
My mind and my heart can finely coincide, living together in peace.
There is very little doubt as my confidence starts to shine through calling in a new day.
I am miserable
I hate it here.
Help me please.
My resting bitch face paving the way for uninvited questions, such as ...
"Why don't you smile a little more?"
"Hey beautiful you got a boyfriend?"
Than of course you can't forget your typical New York haiku.
Ayo ma, come here.
Don't you here me talkin' to you.
Fuck you then, ugly bitch.
It is starting to get a little to crowded in here.
It is getting hard to breathe.
Focus on something Rose focus.
Inhale. Exhale. 1..2..3..
Why does this keep happening to me?
My anxiety is the shadow that you feel creeping up behind you at night.
It brings depression along and they don't leave without a fight.
I feel myself slipping back into the darkness.
The light is not as prominent as before.
Whore, whore, whore, whore, whore.
Rose hurry up put the mask back on.
It's been a couple of weeks and my boyfriend hasn't noticed any change in me.
If he has noticed he hasn't said anything.
He's going to leave. He's going to leave. He's going to leave. He's going to leave.
It is getting hard to control these thoughts inside my head.
I tried to open up but he just didn't understand.
I have to leave the depression and insecurities for someone else, I suppose that was his way of trying to help.
He tells me I just need to breathe.
I say it isn't as easy as you are making it seem. I have too many demons fighting over me. They are pushing and pulling and tugging and begging and pleading and needy and won't leave me alone.
Help me , help me, help me , please.
Trying to explain my depression to my boyfriend did not go as well as I thought it would.
Being together almost a year you would think that he would understand and know what to expect.
Nope. Not at all. Not even a little bit.
When I choose to, I can hide the fact that I am unhappy for a long time.
Sometimes it's to much to contain. If I don't let it out in a healthy manner I will explode.
Literally.
It is only recently you can say I may have been lashing out and no that is not OK either.
So instead of doing that I just stopped pretending to be happy.
I just try to go about my day and make the most of it.
The conversation went like this.
He asked me what was wrong so I told him.
I said "Babe my depression is fucking with me again, bad this time."
His response was basically just brushing me off. He acknowledged the issue but didn't try to help in any way.
He said " You just need to relax, you're very stressed. Why don't you just try to breathe ."
Like just breathe, that's all the advice you have to give?
The response I received was that he didn't know what to say to me on the topic. He doesn't understand.
So I tried to make him understand.
My depression is a constant figure in my life. Probably the only thing that has always been consistent.
I can't seem to shake him no matter how hard I resist or fight back.
He brings anxiety and they play 'Ring around the Rosie' all day spewing all the nasty shit that they have to say right in my ear.
It makes it very hard to hear anything else.
Don't you see it's affecting my health? Do you even want to try to help?"
"Babe you're miserable all the time. All you do is stress, you do this to yourself. You just need to relax. Have you even tried to be happy?"
Can't even lie that almost made me lose my shit like really?
Have I tried to be happy?
Why haven't I thought of that! That is a great idea.
I dropped the subject and left it alone.
I told myself it would be better to suffer in silence than to speak on it anymore.
My anxiety attacks seem to be getting worse and worse.
So some weeks go by and my boyfriend he is sick.
He has a stuffy nose, a low fever and he can't keep much food down.
He was expressing his discomforts to me and even though all of me wanted to take care of him I replied,
"Have you tried breathing, it may make you feel better."
My depression is creeping up on me.
He is kinda playing hide and seek.
I know he's coming but I can't find him.
I guess I am making sure he has a reason to follow me.
My anxiety follows in on cue.
This is just another Monday for me.
One, two, three Rose calm down and just breathe.
You know how hard you have worked for this.
Why are you so hesitant to make this leap of faith.
This is where you want to be.
I wake up yet want to lay in bed all day.
It is so hard to continue my daily routine.
It is getting harder to find the will to go to work.
My mind is starting to overcome my body.
I am starting to give up.
I don't want to do shit anymore.
Do you ever feel like you don't know what you're doing? You know you are moving and speaking but it isn't really you. I feel like this quite often.
Almost as if I am projected over my body, forced to watch the show that I can't stop because I have no control.
STOP, NO, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!
You know you are making a big mistake but now it's too late.
There is no turning back you are in too deep.
When you wake up you will be filled with such regret that you can't sleep.
Don't even try to eat.
You won't be able to hold anything down for days at a time.
You will lose so much weight and everyone will comment that you look great.
That is because we equate being thin to being healthy.
The guilt you will feel will be undeniable.
Can you justify a mistake with disassociation? Is it possible for anyone to understand?
Would you be able to explain that to your man?
Would you argue that you felt unappreciated or own up to your mistakes? Would you fake it till you make it and pray that it goes away? Would you confess all of the dirt that you have done and still expect him to love your son?
Would you understand and accept the fate if he chose to up and leave?
Would you cope by doing drugs and smoking trees?
How do you explain that your sense of reality has shifted and sometimes it is difficult to determine what is real and what is a dream?
Everything is foggy and full of static.
I can't hear and I can't see.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am doing my best to keep everything at bay.
I just pray that everything remains the same.
That the weight I hold doesn't kill me.
There are so many secrets I hold inside that the pain I hold is getting hard to hide.
Why even try?
I want to die? Kind of. Sometimes.
Should I continue to lie?
Do I keep everything inside.
I want to cry.
I want to cry.
My world stopped when I first met you.
You were tall maybe around 6'1, or 6'2.
You walked into my office.
You had me at hello.
I knew in that moment you were someone I needed to get to know.
The world stops when you look deep in my eyes.
There's so much passion and love inside.
Your intentions pure.
Your love feels true.
It couldn't be possible
That you felt it to?
You kiss me and fireworks release.
The world stopped abruptly.
I'm frozen, I can't move my feet.
You steal my breath another time.
I am yours and you are mine.
The world stops when you say my name.
Since I've met you my world hasn't been the same.
It's been full of laughter, love, and tranquility too.
The world stopped the day I met you.